Okay, some people may not like this, but for once i am thinking about us and ignoring all possibilities of upsetting other people. We have had a really crap time of late and i need to try and protect us as much as i can from this getting any worse because of people who don’t know how to act around us. There is no manual about how to deal with grieving parents, which we understand, but some things you would expect would fall into the bracket of common sense! In case they don’t, i would like to clarify. 

1.       Announcing your pregnancy to us. Perhaps this is the most important consideration of all. It is certainly one of those hum dingers with the capacity to cut deep.  You should choose your moment carefully. I am likely to cry, but not in front of you of course because i am not a nasty person, and i don’t cry easily in front of folk. Most likely i will grit my teeth, say my congratulations and then go away and cry. For this reason it is of great importance that you do not tell us when you think it may affect us the most... birthdays, Christmas, New Year, our angel childrens birthdays or anniversaries of their death etc. Think about it. Would you want these times to be ruined? Also, do not tell us face to face. This minimises the amount of time we have to be happy for you and means we can just get on and cry as soon as we need to and then move on. Don’t get me wrong here! I am genuinely happy for all of those deserving friends who are blessed with the miracle of life, but you can bet your bottom dollar that the first unreasonable thought that runs through my mind will be “I bet their baby doesnt die!” I would NEVER wish for anyone’s baby to die, and if you know me then you know that, BUT, this is honestly the sad reaction i get.  I hate that, but i can’t help it. It’s human nature.

2.       Give no advice about alternative paths to parenthood. I like to think that i am a self motivated and  educated person. I certainly educated myself more than enough about TTC and all of it’s many wonderful facets – charting BBT, shettles methed, billings method, supplements, positions, old wives tales, pregnancy tests, OPK’s etc. So, it would logically follow that faced with loss i would educate myself about alternative paths to parenthood. Any friend who offers advice on how to go about these alternative paths, no matter how well intended, will just sound to me like they are saying,  “You obviously can’t look after your babies so that they don’t die. Why don’t you do X, Y or Z so that you don’t kill any more?”

3.       Don’t clam up when we mention our losses. They are clearly a huge part of our lives, and if we mention anything to do with our loss during a conversation, that doesn’t mean it’s time to ‘cue the tumbleweed.’ It happened to us, so we find it does crop up now and again during even seeminly unconnected conversations. By your immediate silence and discomfort we feel like we’ve just committed the ultimate social crime, simply by talking about our children! All you have to do is continue the converstion as normal. Make an agreeable noise, or nod. Maybe ask a question if one springs to mind.

4.       Don’t tell us you understand. Unless you have lost a child in similar circumstances you have absolutely no idea! If you have children or are pregnant you can maybe begin to imagine, but it’s easy for you because as soon as you start the process of putting yourself in our shoes and thinking about what it might be like. As soon as it gets too painful, or something distracts you, or you don’t want to imagine anymore, you can turn it off. You are still pregnant and your children are still alive. This, for us, is the last thing on our minds when we go to sleep and the first thing we think of when we wake.

5.       Stop complaning about your children. Everyone complains within reason, and i am sure that every child will do something to make you scream every now and again. In fact, some of the stories people tell me about what naughty things their children get up to are really funny, and i love to hear about them. Just realise when it’s crossed over from funny story, or small vent into sensitive area territory. Remember that as angry as you are at your child, for whatever reason; i would give anything to be as angry at my children.

6.       Save the meaningless platitudes. I know that at times it can be hard to find the right words. Of course it is. I must admit that i have also said some pretty crap stuff to people under similar circumstances because i had no idea what else to say. The last things a grieving parent needs to hear are things like “there must have been something wrong with the baby” or “Thank goodness it happened now and not later” or “things will be fine next time” or the biggest one of them all “Everything happens for a reason.” I am a person of faith, and i am a believer in things happening for a reason, but you saying that implies that we have done something to deserve our baby to die. Just “I am sorry,” and “I am here for you,” go a long long way. 

There are probably more to add that i can’t think of right now, or that haven’t happened to us yet. Please don’t be sitting there thinking “Oh no! I said or did this or that, so now they hate me!” Like i said before, there is no manual on how to act around grieving parents. None of the people we know would knowingly hurt us, and if they have done something like this, it will only have been because they didn’t think or didn’t realise what it would do. If i have reacted funny to you, it is only because i needed time to process what went on. As i said before, i have said some inappropriate stuff to people before because i had no idea. It happens. By writing this I just wanted to make you think, that’s all.  

Maybe those others who have suffered loss will not feel so alone when they read this. It helps to know that people feel the same way that you do. Even when you feel like your reactions might be a bit over the top.  

Plus, remember, it totally depends on when you catch us as to how we will react. The time of year, time in my cycle, certain events etc. You can’t be psychic and know how we will react to certain things, but you can be a little more aware of how you behave might affect us. 

If you take the time to read this, and you still speak to us afterwards. Thank you, you’re a really great friend and we must be glad to know you!