22 October 2006

The depression has kicked in properly today. Scott feels it too. It’s like when I am left alone to think about Zane I am not overwhelmed by grief anymore and although I do still cry, I mostly feel numb. I just feel completely empty and gutted and cheated.

We went to York today to pick up the car and also to try some retail therapy. While I was in the back of Scott’s Dad’s car looking out of the window I was just sad. Scott was chatting to Les and I kept thinking of things to say to join in with the conversation, but then just not saying anything. I can’t even remember what I was thinking about now to be honest I just sat and stared, completely aware of how depressed I looked, but unable to force my face into a more pleasant appearance.

Once we got to the hospital we went to the maternity ward to pick up the photographs that one of the nurses took of Zane for us. I was anxious to get them because there is only one photograph of him with his eyes open and it was with those. I tried not to stare at the pregnant ladies we passed. The lady who greeted us remembered us from earlier on in the week and made conversation about how we are and things. It’s strange because people are constantly asking how we are and of course we say that we are doing okay “all things considered”, but we should say how we really feel. We just don’t want to make people uncomfortable. The expected response wouldn’t be “I feel like bursting into tears all the time and I’m in pain in every sense of the word.”

When we were back in the car I opened the envelope with the pictures in, but I made sure I had my tissue ready beforehand (I was wearing make up for the first time in a week). The pictures are lovely. Zane is all blotchy looking because he’s just a few hours old and although he’s got all the tubes and stuff in him he looks cute still. He looks like a big baby, which he was. We thought that his birth weight might help him, with him being so big at 8lbs 12oz, but I guess that didn’t matter in the end. I could have told people he was heavy – I had to carry him around all the time! I was massive!

Our planned retail therapy didn’t go as well as it should have. I wanted the Sims 2 Pets expansion pack and a Radley bag that Scott had seen and told me was awesome. The game has only come out in PC-DVD and not PC-CD ROM and we don’t have a DVD drive. The shop that sold the Radley bag was shut. Scott wanted some good speakers for the PC, but didn’t end up getting them. I can’t remember why. He must have told me, but I’ve forgotten. He did get some pants and socks from River Island though. The socks are ace; they say “The dogs” on them with a picture of the back of a dog with visible large pink testicles. They made us laugh. He also got a dark blue thin knit v-neck jumper to wear over the top of a shirt he has.

I seem to be very needy with regards to Scott at the moment. I keep having to touch him or stroke him a lot. As bad as it may sound I think this may have brought us closer together in a strange way. Not that we weren’t close anyway. I mean we’ve always considered ourselves to be quite jammy with regards to our relationship. Perhaps its me transferring the love I should have been showering on our son. Mind you I do still feel love for Zane, it’s not like I stopped loving him because he died. I loved him a long time before I even met him. I think I loved him even when I was daydreaming about him when Scott and I were trying to conceive.

It’s funny, but we were trying to find similarities between Zane and us and we were stumped. Jennie said that in the photo we have of us holding him before he passed away his brow looks like my brow. We examined his feet, which we decided were more like mine because they were cute. They were quite big feet though, but I reckon that is because he was going to be tall. He had virtually no eyebrows, but his hairline was quite low and his hair started from just above where his eyebrows were and gradually got darker. We guessed that he would have dark hair because we both have. His nose was cute and small, which was another perplexing thing because our snecks are both big.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I can’t even remember what I was thinking about now, only that it was about Zane and what we are missing out on. 

24 October 2006

Mum called this morning and asked if I wanted to go to the designer outlet. I almost said no because I didn’t want to leave Scott, but I thought it might be best to get out of the house for a while. Scott didn’t mind me going anyway. He wanted some time to himself.

I ended up buying some size 14 Jasper Conran tracky bottoms from the Designer Room and a Jasper Conran green t-shirt. I previously only had two things that fit my bottom half; some chavvy tracky bottoms that were £5 from Peacocks and a maternity skirt that comes up to my boobs. I am looking forward to being able to go out and buy some new clothes with my birthday money when my body has settled back to pre-pregnancy weight. I am about eleven and a half stone now, so I need to loose another two to be able to fit my normal clothes. What a task!

Walking round the outlet I was close to tears a couple of times. The only thing that stopped me was not wanting to show my mum up by sobbing in public. Everywhere we went were babies and baby clothes and products. I had a small cry in the privacy of a toilet cubicle, but that’s about it.

I got the first person who really put their foot in it yesterday. Scott and I went out for lunch and a lady who works in the tea room knows me from years ago. She must have seen me about pregnant and when I went up to pay she asked me when I was due. I said that I’d had him and she must have felt bad enough at that, but I laughed and told her not to worry and said something about a caesarean. I wasn’t going to say anything else, but she asked how he was so I had to tell her that he’d passed away. The poor woman almost cried and I told her it didn’t matter and that we expected to get it and she kept apologising. I wonder why I felt worse for her asking than for myself being asked?

I had loads of things run through my mind today when I was in the car with mum that I thought I’d write here, but I can’t remember them now.

I want my baby.

25 October 2006

I need to stop playing so much solitaire on the computer. I play game after game, barely winning any of them because I’m not concentrating fully on what I’m doing. I know that I’m only playing it to stop myself thinking about Zane and this makes me feel guilty too. Should I be avoiding thinking about him? Surely I should want to think about my son? I just cant bear to feel sad anymore and if I’m playing hours of mind numbing solitaire then I’m not sad.

It’s the funeral on Friday and I am anticipating that I will fall to pieces, which is mainly why I decided that I would prefer to have less people there. I don’t find it easy to open up to people and especially to cry. I cry at films and stuff, but not about real things. I find that hard. I’m gutted that I don’t have anything decent to wear to our son’s funeral. That’s another thing to feel guilty for, like I can’t even make the effort to look nice for his final goodbye. Looking at the words “our son’s funeral” on the screen just isn’t right. I shouldn’t be typing those words. I should be moaning about lack of sleep and sore nipples and laughing about black and yellow poos. I feel so empty. There’s a huge baby-shaped hole in my belly and in my life.

So, I’m going to go to Peacocks tomorrow to try to find something to wear. Mum suggested that I buy a dress, so I might do that. I want to look nice.

Some friends called round tonight. They brought me some flowers which I’ve had to put in my spaghetti jar because I have only got two vases and they are in use. It’s a good job two of the bouquets I got are in those boxes packaged in water already!

My friends cried when they saw me. I forget that it’s all brand new to them when they see me for the first time and they must feel such pity for me. Not nasty pity, but genuine sorrow for our loss. They relaxed after a while though and we ended up laughing and chatting like normal, which was great. When people are round like that and we are talking like normal I don’t feel so depressed. 

I sent an email into work today to everyone letting them know that I’m okay. I also sent one to my bosses telling them that I wont be going to the Christmas Party and saying that I wasn’t sure when I’ll be back at work. I got a reply from the bosses within about an hour, which made me laugh because normally when I’m at work I don’t get a reply for ages – if ever!

We’ve received loads of cards from people and they’re all on our windowsill. Jane said she was looking for a box to keep them in and I must admit it never crossed my mind whether we would keep them or not before. I suppose I would like to because it’s a reminder of how many lives Zane touched in his one day on earth. I guess I’ll keep them with his things in his white box. We got a letter today from a lady i used to work with as well. It was a nice letter and just expressed her condolences and told about her feelings when she lost her son at 20 something weeks.

Scott has picked the song to play at the funeral. I wanted him to pick it and it means a lot to me that he did. It’s by Bright Eyes and is so perfect. It's called The First Day Of My Life.

26 October 2006 (1.31am)

I feel like crap. We went to bed after midnight tonight and each took our books so that we could read until we dropped off. I put my book down and made the mistake of thinking. I worked out that even if we only waited six months before trying for another baby and conceived straight away it would still be after next Christmas before we had him/her. It’s such a long time to wait and we are ready now. I feel so unfulfilled that we don’t get to be a family. We have invested so much both emotionally, financially and physically into becoming a family and we have been left with nothing but a load of baby stuff that makes us cry.

I don’t even want another baby at all. I want my baby Zane and it’s not fair that I can’t have him. How come all the scratty little chav kids get to keep their babies and not me? Is it because things would have been too perfect? I mean, I often thought about how lucky Scott and I were, but not in a gloating way. I thought that by acknowledging our good fortune and giving thanks for it I would be safeguarding it.

Now I have a headache. I got away with only taking two sets of painkillers today, but I’ve just taken some more. Hopefully they’ll get rid of this headache and the dihydrocodeine will make me drowsy enough to sleep. I’m going to play solitaire until they kick in.

28 October 2006 (Day Two)

I dont know why i headed this Day Two. I guess maybe it's because it's the second day after the funeral. I could look at this like maybe the higher the number of days in the header will be, the less i'll be hurting. I hope that's true. Certainly nothing could hurt as much as those first days in the hospital. It would have been a lot easier to stay on the morphine...

I'm trying to write and talk about the whole thing as much as i possibly can, because i'm normally such a guarded person. It has definately helped me to talk through what happened and write down my feelings. It was wierd at first discussing how i 'felt' with people. I dont do that a lot.

The support of strangers though has been amazing. People who dont even know me have been so understanding and so eager to help. Scott and I have received a huge amount of cards and messages of love and support. It's been quite overwhelming! The ladies on my pregnancy forum and birth club have been such a huge blessing i cannot even begin to thank them enough!

Even though it was the day of the funeral yesterday i went to sleep without crying last night. I was also able to cuddle up to Scott on the sofa for the first time this morning without feeling huge pains in my c-section wound. Physically i know i'm going to be okay.

29 October 2006 (Day Three)

Today has been pretty uneventful. I got up too early because i forgot about the clocks going back so i've been up for ages. I'm reading another chick lit book, which is silly of me really since the last one i read irritated the hell out of me! This one is a bit better though, it's about shopping, which i can identify with. Usually. I havent shopped for anything except baby stuff and home stuff for soooooo long. I cant wait to get back to my normal weight so that i can go and spend my birthday money!

I hovered outside Zanes nursery for a while today and considered going in. I even got myself some tissue to prepare, but i couldnt do it. It's been two weeks and i cant even bear to look at his furniture. Still gleaming new, smelling of fresh wood, full of brand new outfits with the tags still on and freshly washed baby grows. We havent even emptied the 'hospital bag' yet. I dont want to look at all the nappies and creams and clothes we prepared to use at the hospital. We dressed him in his 'going home' outfit after he passed, which i suppose is poetic since he experienced the ultimate 'going home'.

Scott is making Sunday dinner, so i'm looking forward to that. It's the simple pleasures in life...

1 November 2006 (Day Six)

Well, it's twenty to three in the afternoon and i'm still in my pyjamas... Isnt it funny how your body clock starts to change when you dont have anything to get up for? I used to go to bed at 10.30pm (ish) and get up at 7.00am for work. Now i'm going to bed when i cant keep my eyes open any more, usually after midnight and getting up between 9.00 and 10.30am depending on when i wake up. Also, i've noticed that it's soooo hard to get out of the habit of doing sweet F.A. all day. Scott and i make plans every day to empty a box (we still have boxes everywhere from moving house). Or i think i might like to go somewhere, but it's just so hard to tear my head out of the book i'm reading, get showered and dressed and do something. Not that i'm dirty or anything, you know, i do shower or bath every day. It's just not usually until late afternoon, early evening.

I'm going to Jens house tonight for a brew. She's picking me up at 7.00pm. It's frustrating that i can't drive yet and i'm having to rely on lifts from Scott and various other people. I could use the bus i suppose, but i cant be naffed. I cant be naffed to do anything!

We got our photos back today. I sent off 200 to be developed cause i was scared of the computer loosing them and the back up CD's spontaniously melting. They're quite good and there's loads from holidays and party's and stuff. I suppose they remind me that there's more to our life than a family and perhaps i shouldnt try to rush through this next year just so that we can have our family.

I got angry for the first time today too. I bought a book called 'Trying Again' for people who have experienced a miscarrage, stillbirth or infant loss. It's about working through your feelings about your loss and how you feel about planning another baby. It's really good! The only thing is it describes what happened to me and tells you what to do if you have the symptoms i had (like heavy bleeding) and it classifies them along with other obviously serious symptoms like prolapsed umbilical cord and leaking greeny fluid (meconium (baby poo) in the amniotic fluid). The other two things are SO obvious as HUGE red flags, so heavy bleeding must be too. In which case why the hell did they leave me!? Why did they not offer to induce me when i first went in? I was over 41 weeks pregnant and Zane was huge so there were no risks to delivering then!

On the one hand it feels good to be angry and to 'blame' the staff at the hospital for not recognising the signs. On the other hand i think that Zanes death is easier to accept as a result of a series of unfortunate, but unavoidable events, rather than Dr. So-n-So messed up and killed our son.

3 November 2006 (Day Eight)

Day eight huh? It's a week since Zane's funeral and almost three weeks since his birth and death. It still hurts and we still havent been in the nursery...

We did go out last night. Lynzi came down and her and Jacob came round for brews yesterday afternoon. Then we met Chelle and went for tea and a few drinks. I had a good night and a few laughs, but still whenever things go quiet for even a fraction of a second i think of Zane and i'm sad. I had a tentative couple of drinks, which i know isnt the best idea since i'm still really anaemic and recovering from being cut open, but i'm not on the pain killers anymore so i should be okay. And i was okay. I didnt get drunk at all.

It was great to see Lynzi again after so long. I'm just sorry it wasnt under happier circumstances and we couldnt have the same "lets go get hammered" mentality of old.

Scott's calling me for tea, so i'd best get the table set - yeah TABLE! I know arent we posh!

 7 November 2006 (Day Twelve)

I burned my buns! Today i decided to make some bun mixture so that i could eat the mixture, which i wasnt able to do before because of the raw egg content. Well, i made the mixture, but there was far too much to eat so i decided to make two little buns for me and Scott. I checked on them when they were almost ready but then i forgot about them and they burned. I am so crap at cooking!

It's quarter past one in the afternoon and i'm still in my dressing gown. I just cannot seem to get with it at all. We made a list of jobs for us to do each day this week and we were going to stick to them. We did very well yesterday in fact and did all of our jobs! Today, though, it's just not happening. Scott's been to work to give blood and now he's taking some stuff to the tip, but i've done some washing, and that's it! I'm just waiting for the water to heat up so's i can get in the shower...

The house across the road has gone up for sale and i'm dying to know how much for. I want to get the details from the estate agent and have a nosey!! I hope it's not for less that what we bought ours for, i'd be gutted!!

We've taken the sympathy cards down and all the flowers we had bought have finally died, but we still havent been into the nursery. We're going to have to do it before it becomes so long that it's turned into this massive thing, bigger than it is already. I just cant bear it. It's easier to pretend that everything is normal now there are no cards or flowers to remind us. There's only the flash view of the pram when i take my coat out of the cupboard, and the moses basket still at the foot of our bed. In the living room i mean it's easier.

8 November 2006 (Day Thirteen)

I did it! I went into the nursery tonight! It was every bit as upsetting as i thought it would be, but it helped. It made me feel closer to Zane even though he's never used his room. I guess it's just because it is his room. I took the moses basket out of our bedroom and put it in the cot and then emptied the hospital bag and put everything away. I spent time looking at his little clothes and remembering how i felt last time i was in there. As much as Zanes death has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, being pregnant was the best thing in my life. I need to try and remember that and not just look back with sorrow. After all, i knew my son for nine months and in that time i was the happiest and most content i have ever been.

I keep running my time with him back over and over in my head (now that i can do it without sobbing every time). I dont want to forget anything at all. The time we had together was so short and so precious, if i loose any of it, it would be so much to loose. I remember how soft his skin was and how tiny his fingers and toes were. He had big feet for a baby i thought, but i couldnt smell them like Anna said to do because they had wires on them for his medication. I remember his eyes following me when i left him on the morning of the second day. I remember laughing because he'd done a big poo and got it all over the fluffy mat he was laid on, but then i get sad because i never got to change my own sons nappy. A stranger did it. I remember thinking that we knew he would have hair, in fact a lock of his hair is all that we have left of him, that which was actually a part of him anyway. I remember the tiny sound he made while Scott was holding him just before he passed away and then i realise that I never heard his first cry. I dont know if he cried at all, i wasnt there.

It seems, just when i think i'm okay i realise i'm not.